Sarah and I used to sit there for hours talking about our shows, we were obsessed. It was unhealthy how much tv we used to watch. At college, I’ve kind of lost that. I still keep up when I can but other than that I have live entertainment all the time if I want it. I used to watch literally everything though, from Pretty Little Liars to Gossip Girl to Criminal Minds to Jersey Shore to Ghost Whisperer to SNL to those stupid shows on Soap that always get cancelled after the first few episodes. I love tv though, it took me away from reality when I needed to and would distract me from everything I had to worry about for those 45 minutes and I’m sure it will be there for me again when I need it. You can always tell I’m upset about something when I watch an obsessive amount of tv when there are other things that I could be doing, probably one of my telltale signs. This is stupid but one of my favorite shows that I still watch pretty regularly is Cougar Town. While the first season was so much better, it’s still funny and it still attempts to hit all of the problems that allow us to relate to the characters. I started watching it because it was absolutely hilarious but it’s gone downhill. The only show I could watch over and over is Boy Meets World which was essentially my entire childhood. Ask anyone born in the 90’s and they can do the Feeny call and can repeat specific episodes. I’m not one to buy tv shows when I can just watch them online but I would buy Boy Meets World and watch it over and over.
Personally, I think there is more to life than shoving your nose into a book. I would rather learn by experience than through read and regurgitate but that’s not how society dictates it. Education is obviously important if you ever want to succeed, but there’s obviously more to life as well, you just have the find that sacred balance.
I am the queen of disrespecting parents. I’m strong willed, what else can I say? But they’ll always be my parents and be around regardless. It’s just something that happens as we try to figure out who we really are. Apparently I’ve been struggling with that for a long time then.
What do I believe in? I’m supposed to say myself, my friends, my education, my family, but those all have the possibility of deserting me. I’m starting to believe in the universe and it’s plan for me (i.e. Roanoke and the Delta Gamma bid) but I guess I’d have to say I believe in myself to be strong enough to handle it and to know what I want/what my limits are. I believe in living day by day, even if I don’t always do that. I believe in allowing yourself to get hurt and knowing that you’ll come out stronger but most of all I believe that there’s something higher than all this, there’s a reason I’m here and I believe I’ll figure it out eventually.
This one’s tough, which is why i’ve been avoiding it. To admit that we messed up, that we were weak, that’s difficult. It scares me. My ultimate low was one night with Jai in May when things with Tony with simmering down and we had just seen Johnny that night and Tony had said some pretty negative things about me and I almost drive all the way to Johnny’s to hook up with him to get back at Tony and I broke down and cried because I didn’t feel good enough for anyone but I eventually drove home, still having some standards. There were a lot of lows this year. It was a scary time to graduate and start over, I’ve cried countless times but I’ve always come back. My highs are realizing that the universe always has a plan and trusting it, and ending up at Roanoke. I guess my highs are always when I came back from a low and realizing that at some point or another, I’ll always be okay. I’m slowly figuring things out, but without those highs and lows I never would have learned anything
Some of the best times of my life have been when there’s some catchy, stupid, Ke$ha or britney song on the radio and we’ve got the windows down just singing alone even though none of us can actually sing. Everyone has their own taste in music, some people love it, some people hate it. Personally, if it’s catchy i’ll listen to it.
I don’t do this to stalk other people and all of that, I do this for me. So that I can have reminders when I hit my lows and for the first time in my life, I don’t have my best friends shoulder to cry on so it’s to remind me that I’m okay. I don’t have favorites.
I don’t know why I remember this snapshot but I was really young, in our original house that I don’t remember at all except for this. I was asleep in my room and I guess my parents were sleeping on my floor and all I remember is waking up to my dad opening my door and the light flooding in and him gently closing it behind him. Probably one of the most useless memories I have but I guess it’s all about making new ones right?
I want to move anywhere that my best friends are because they are what define home. I want to visit so many places but most of all, I want to visit a place where I am truly happy and worry free, which is somewhere I have never been.
My first kiss and my first love are two very different stories. My first kiss, technically, was with James at some school dance but it lasted a millisecond so I don’t really count that one. I count Ben, one of his best friends. It was at the beach maybe a week before school started and it was awful and wet and just truly questionable, but whose first kiss isn’t? For my first love, that was Heilyn no questions asked. We had always flirted but in my sophomore year, it came out that he had cheated on Kimmy and he was in love with the girl who he cheated on her with but she didn’t want him. Everyone ostracized him but I truly felt that he was a good guy who made bad decisions so I stood by him and tried to help as much as I could until that transformed into the idea that we would go on a date. We went to go see some stupid lochness monster movie. I don’t think we got past the opening credits and I know I don’t remember any single part of that movie but when we kissed, this sounds so corny, but there were fireworks. There was electricity and it took my breath away every single time. I wanted to kiss him forever. This was over winter break and we saw each other every single day and when New Years came around, he told me he had promised another girl that he would spend it with her. I tried to be okay with that but by this time, I liked him, even though he flat out told me he didn’t want a relationship but I went ahead and told him I wanted to kiss him on New Years and to my surprise he dropped the other girl, whom he got lots of angry text messages from the next day, and a few days later we started dating. It was so whirlwind and magical and all of the stupid things that people say about love but all of it was true with him. While we were only together for a short time, we weren’t right for each other, but I still occasionally question if I could ever care for someone as much as I cared for him. I know that I truly loved him and every time I kiss someone I hope for those same fireworks but so far there has been no one like him. Some say that if you stop loving someone, you never really loved them at all but that’s not true. I loved Heilyn, I know that 100% end of discussion but I don’t need him anymore. Your first love is scaring and traumatizing but when it’s over, and I mean truly over to the point where you’re actually happy for them for finding someone else, it’s one of the most beautiful experiences a person can have.
This kind of goes with where I see myself in 10 years. In short, I’m delusional and have a very specific image of where I want to be yet no idea how I’m going to get there. The things I do know about my future, I will have the same people I’ve grown up with, more or less, by my side and I know that because of that, I’ll be happy regardless of what’s going on. All in all, I hope that I’ll be truly 100% happy in the future, this back and forth now is going to kill me one day.
Day 8 - a day you felt most satisfied with your life
There’s one day that I thought that everything was falling into place. June 24th, 2010. I have no idea why I remember the date so clearly but my best friends and I had 4 or 5 graduation parties to go to that day and I remember everything about that day. We had 3 cd’s that I had made that morning, filled with requests from everyone. I had a new dress that hung in all the right places to show off my new confidence. But most of all, we had each other, as corny as that sounds. We were all together and laughing and in love and it was summer and we had just graduated and I remember sitting in the passenger seat with my feet on the dashboard and I turned around to say something and just feeling this overwhelming sense of love for everyone in that car. I always knew that I’d be with most of them for the rest of my life but at that moment I was reminded that everything was going to be okay. That was the most important part of that day, the easy fun that we all had. I also clearly remember that that was the day that Ryan started to text me. Now, I just get pissed off when he texts me but that day he was sweet and charming and a fun new guy..someone entirely different and necessary since things with Tony had just ended. He made me feel special again as he tried to convince me to ask Sarah to turn around and go to Pottery Barn because he wanted to see me. It was sweet. Of course several things were missing (Bert was gone, none of our beloved guy friends were there, we were all still fighting with one friend), but that day was special. We were growing up, and we were doing it together.
I’m a scorpio and everything I’ve read describes me perfectly. It’s scary and probably stupid/irresponsible but I read my horoscope every day and I believe it.
Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior. They are like the volcano not far under the surface of a calm sea, it may burst into eruption at any moment. But those of us who are particularly perceptive will be aware of the harnessed aggression, the immense forcefulness, magnetic intensity, and often strangely hypnotic personality under the tranquil, but watchful composure of Scorpio. In conventional social gatherings they are pleasant to be with, thoughtful in conversation, dignified, and reserved, yet affable and courteous; they sometimes possess penetrating eyes which make their shyer companions feel naked and defenseless before them.
In their everyday behavior they give the appearance of being withdrawn from the center of activity, yet those who know them will recognize the watchfulness that is part of their character. They need great self-discipline, because they are able to recognize the qualities in themselves that make them different from other humans, and to know their utterly conventional natures can be used for great good, or great evil. Their tenacity and willpower are immense, their depth of character and passionate conviction overwhelming, yet they are deeply sensitive and easily moved by their emotions. Their sensitivity, together with a propensity for extreme likes and dislikes make them easily hurt, quick to detect insult or injury to themselves (often when none is intended) and easily aroused to ferocious anger. This may express itself in such destructive speech or action that they make lifelong enemies by their outspokenness, for they find it difficult not to be overly critical of anything or anyone to whom they take a dislike.
They can harness their abundant energy constructively, tempering their self-confidence with shrewdness and their ambition with magnanimity toward others provided they like them. They relate to fellow workers only as leaders and can be blunt to those they dislike to the point of cruelty. In fact they are not above expressing vindictiveness in deliberate cruelty. They are too demanding, too unforgiving of faults in others, perhaps because they are not aware of the shortcomings within themselves, and extravagantly express their self-disgust in unreasonable resentment against their fellows. They do, however, make excellent friends, provided that their companions do nothing to impugn the honor of which Scorpios are very jealous. Part of the negative side of the Scorpio nature is a tendency to discard friends once they cease to be useful, but the decent native is aware of, and fights this tendency.
They are fortunate in that their strong reasoning powers are tempered with imagination and intuition, and these gifts, together with critical perception and analytical capacity, can enable the Scorpions to penetrate to profundities beyond the average. They have a better chance of becoming geniuses than the natives of any other sign.But charismatic “twice-born” characters such as they can sink into the extremes of depravity if they take the wrong path, and the intensity of their nature exaggerates their harmful tendencies into vices far greater than the normal.
Rebelliousness against all conventions, political extremism to the point where hatred of the Establishment makes them utterly unscrupulous terrorists. Brooding resentment, aggressive and sadistic brutality, total arrogance, morbid jealousy, extreme volatility of temperament, these are some of their vices. At the other extreme is the procrastinator, the man or woman who is capable of so much that they do nothing and become indolent and self-indulgent, requiring extravagant praise and flattery from those whom they make their cronies.
Being so gifted, they can find fulfillment in many employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of the research scientist, and the heroism of the soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to them. So police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law, physics or psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written and spoken word. They may be most persuasive orators and find fulfillment as diplomats or preachers and, if they make the Church their profession, their inner intensity can express itself in the spiritual fervor of the mystic or the thaumaturgy.
Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate lovers, the most sensually energetic of all the signs. For them, union with the beloved is a sacrament, an “outward and visible sign of an inward andspiritual grace.”. Their overriding urge in loving is to use their power to penetrate beyond themselves and to lose themselves sexually in their partners in an almost mystical ecstasy, thus discovering the meaning of that union which is greater than individuality, and is a marriage of the spirit as well as of flesh. They are thus capable of the greatest heights of passionate transport, but debauchery and perversion are always dangers, and Scorpios can become sadistic monsters of sensuality and eroticism. Their feelings are so intense that even when their love is of the highest, and most idealistic kind, they are nevertheless frequently protagonists in tragic, even violent romances, “star-crossed lovers”.
Day 5 - A time you thought about ending your own life (aka my best friends birthday)
This is probably a good post to have today, on my best friend/one true loves birthday. There have been many times where I question what I’m doing here, what the point of it all is and all of that. In my sophomore year I was dumped by the first person that I truly loved. I had never felt such deep feelings for someone before and when he was gone, I started to question everything. I had never felt so alone before. I wanted to know why we were all here, on the same path, pulling out of the same bag of tricks and for what? So we can all live the same repetitive lives? For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what I was still doing here and why no one else had figured it out. Jai’s the reason I stayed during all of it. There are times where I still occasionally question all of it and feel like giving up but she has always been my rock during each and every bout of it all. She’s been strong when I couldn’t be and listened to me as I bawl my eyes out, which is often over trivial things, and I know I don’t look pretty when I cry. I don’t think she will ever know how much she means to me. She means the absolute world to me. So as I struggle to figure out just what my world includes, she’s the only part of it that I’m sure about. She’s been my family when I don’t have any, she’s been my best friend, my lesbian girlfriend ;), my therapist and my sister. I don’t think she knows the true extent to which she’s saved me at times. My underlying issue is feeling like I’m not good enough and I’m getting better at it but my progress and confidence comes from her. Any progress I’ve made over the past few years is because of her. So on your 18th birthday, I want to say welcome to the rest of our lives. I love you more than anyone and I know we fight and it’s often over the stupidest things and is always my fault but there is no question in my mind how much you mean to me. You will be the maid of honor at my wedding and sitting on my porch drinking tea (or our dunkin coffees since you don’t like tea) when we’re actually 40 and my sister for the rest of my life. Thank you, love. I know that just saying it isn’t enough and so far I haven’t been able to think of a way to truly thank you for everything but I know I’ll be saying thank you for the rest of our lives, no matter where they take us..which is hopefully to Europe this summer just saying. We may be 15 hours away from each other but I think about you every single day and when we originally went to college and I was just meeting people and talking about back home, every single time I would tell them just how lucky I was to have met friends that I will have for the rest of my life, something that most people can’t say. I love you, I love you, I love you and know that I’m still here because of you.
I believe in the Hindu idea of Brahman where there is an underlying, unknown but specific thread that holds everyone together. Brahman is everything and everywhere but going deeper into that and the idea of a single God and the differences in religions, I can’t agree with that. I believe that religion and God are there to provide strength and security, the teachings in the Torah and the testaments to guide us on a moral and righteous path but to believe them word for word and to think that there’s a tangible “big brother” up there, I think that ideal is for those who are too scared to watch over themselves and need a constant security blanket. This is only my own personal view though, I never grew up in a religious family nor a religious area so I’ve never known anything else. Religion is a “to each their own” type of thing but for me, I have faith but it’s not for me.
I drink, I do a limited number of drugs. I think that personally for me, they’re part of this whole teenage experience. They’re something that if I didn’t do now, I would wake up being 40 and would have no stories or advice on how to deal with it for my kids. I’m nowhere near an alcoholic nor have I ever spent any money on drugs so I’m happy with the choices I’ve made, sans a few drunk texts and embarrassing stories but I guess those are also part of the experience. I think that taken in moderation, it’s really not a big deal. I never really had an urge to go past weed though. All of those other drugs, shrooms, acid, ecstasy, all of that, those scare me. There are so many things that could go wrong and the hallucinating aspect? Not for me. Maybe I will try them once within a trusted group of friends but not more than that. As for the drinking, I love to go out at college. I’ve had so many good memories, and a few questionable ones, but there’s this specific point of drunkenness that you reach, it’s right after tipsy and right before beer tears and just a sloppy drunk and if you hit that, everything is just free. All the inhibitions that I would have sober, gone. Now I do sound like an alcoholic but while I love to hit that point when i do go out, I also don’t mind a chill night staying in painting my nails in my room with my girl friends or watching a movie at Jai’s. There’s a balance to it all. As for the people who have somehow managed to stay away from all of it, congratulations. I think that is so impressive, especially for those who have grown up in Fairfield County and there really isn’t much else to do except drink and smoke. For those who are adamantly against it and try to tell me the reasons why I’m being self-destructive and judge me for it, fuck you. It’s a personal choice. I understand yours is to stay sober, so understand mine. It’s all about personal choices and knowing your limit and if you really know yourself well enough and don’t do anything stupid like drink and drive, it’s nothing that should be blown out of proportion as it normally is.
Everyone who knows me knows I can’t wait to be old and that I have this delusional image of the rest of my life but a lot of people don’t know that that same image terrifies me. I’m 18 and in ten years I will be almost 30 and by that time the stupid mistakes that I make now, I can no longer blame on inexperience and childish reasons, that’s just me being stupid. At almost 30 I will have bills to pay and in my delusional lifestyle, mouths to feed or about to feed and a husband and a beautiful colonial house in Connecticut with luxury cars in the driveway and all of that. I can tell you detail for detail where I want to be in 10 years. I want to be married by 24, in a wedding that I can also explain in great detail, having kids by 27 or 28, living in a grand, white colonial home in Fairfield County with hardwood floors and pastel colors and white furnishings with Mercedes and BMW’s in the driveway. If having kids by 28, I won’t be working anymore. I don’t want to make my own mother’s mistakes and one of those was going back to work almost immediately after I was born. I know exactly where I want to be but I have no idea how I will obtain all of it. But if I didn’t have this image and plan, when I start questioning why we’re all here and what the point of it all is, I would have said fuck it by now. So this isn’t where I would like to be in 10 years, it’s essentially where I need to be to keep my sanity…or what little of my sanity is left/actually there